After Life
by livithebookworm
Summary: Buffy gives up on moving on, and comes back to Sunnydale to find something... or someone, waiting for her. Spuffy.
1. Bittersweet

**BITTERSWEET**

_Hey there._

_So this is a post-Chosen Spuffy fic which includes everything that happened in Buffy (yes, including the bit where Spike died) but probably discounts a fair bit of Angel (I haven't seen it).  
__Oh, and the only Buffy-canon thing I've changed is the last line to "Where do we go from here"._

_Disclaimer: Though the story is mine the characters are not, and all that._

* * *

Dawn looked to her sister. "Buffy? Where do we go from here?"

Buffy smiled. It wasn't exactly a happy smile. She felt caught between beaming in relief and victory and bursting into tears. On the one hand she had what she would have died for (or rather not died for, seeing as that was kind of the point) at sixteen. She was free of Sunnydale, free of her Slayer responsibilities, and there was a good chance that she would see out that milestone she'd never expected to hit, her 25th birthday.  
But the price had been so high…

"We live," she said simply, feeing the power of her own words.

"Can we live a little further from that crater, though?" Faith said, warily eyeing the hole where Sunnydale had been.

"I for one will feel a great deal safer when we've left Sunnydale behind us," said Giles.

"Seconded," Willow agreed, in a voice that seemed a little too chirpy to be genuine. "Or is it thirded?"

They all began to turn back to the bus.

Dawn hesitated when Buffy didn't move.

"Be there in a moment," Buffy said, in her slayer voice- hard, serious and brooking no argument. She didn't need to look to know that Dawn turned back to the bus.

A few moments later, however, she heard a shuffling sound behind her. She wasn't sure who she expected to see.

Probably Faith, ready to impart some unwanted slayer wisdom or world experience, or Willow, trying to fulfil her best friend duties.

But it was Xander's voice that spoke.

"Bittersweet," he said, stepping forward and taking her hand.  
"That's what it feels like," Buffy said, going for lightness, but fighting back tears. Looking at Xander, she saw that he too was close to crying, and suddenly it felt safe to be honest.

"I loved him." she said.  
"I know," he replied, dark eyes serious.  
Buffy gave a small sad smile.  
"He didn't. I told him, but he didn't believe me."  
She was still working hard not to cry.  
"I don't think she knew either," Xander said. "In the end." His voice cracked on the last words.  
"Xand…" Buffy started.  
"All aboard!" Faith hollered from behind them, leaning out from the bus door like a conductor.  
Xander took a big steeling breath of air and exhaled loudly through his cheeks. Despite everything, it made Buffy laugh.  
"Ready?" he asked her.  
"Ready," she confirmed.  
Xander squeezed her hand one last time before letting go, and they walked back to the bright yellow bus in silence.

* * *

_A.N. So, thank you for reading. I love Buffy/Xander friendship, which probably shows. :) __And if anyone spots any typos, feel free to point them out to me and **I Will Fix Them, Guaranteed. :P**_


	2. Busride

**BUSRIDE**

_A bit of closure for the Scoobies._

* * *

"Not that the living line wasn't all inspirationally, but where _are _we going now?" Willow asked, directing the last line to Giles in the driver's seat. She had to raise her voice- the bus was filled with the excited babble of the new slayers, who were seated at the back. Surprisingly, Andrew was very quiet; he was sitting by the window, gazing out at the monotonous landscape. Buffy supposed that he had been badly shaken by Anya's death.

The Scoobies sat in the middle of the bus- Willow and Kennedy together, Buffy behind them, and Xander behind her. He wasn't contributing much to the conversation either- he had gone an odd creamy colour and every so often he moaned softly. Buffy had almost forgotten he got travel sick.

"As long as we're not going to Cleveland, I don't really care," Faith said, in her husky, almost croaky voice, leaving Robin at the front of the bus to join the conversation.  
"Actually, Faith, I was thinking perhaps that is exactly where you should go," said Giles.  
Faith half-frowned, half-sneered.  
"I'm sorry?" she said.  
"You want redemption, try guarding a hell-mouth," Xander quipped, before closing his mouth very suddenly, eyes widening in alarm.  
Buffy looked away from him before she too started to feel queasy.  
"Vomito-boy has a point," she said, warranting a glare from Xander that she didn't see. "You still have a ways to go before you're brand-spanking new and redeemed." Her words and tone weren't entirely friendly; now the conflict was over there wasn't such a pressing need to keep Faith on side.

Faith smirked. "Cause that's really what I want, B," she said.  
Buffy looked at her measuredly.  
"Isn't it?" she said.

**  
Faith rolled her eyes and made to walk away. Unfortunately for her, they were on a bus, and in three steps she was back at the front of the bus with Robin. She threw herself into the seat beside him.

"I'll come with you," Robin offered.  
Faith pulled a face. "I don't expect surprises to extend to Cleveland." She waved a hand dismissively. "You're off the hook."  
"I would," He insisted.  
Faith looked at him, a tiny grain of hope in her eyes, and when she smiled, it was only half-mocking.  
"Promise?"  
"Promise," he said solidly.  
"Right, Cleveland it is," Faith said. speaking up so that the Scoobies could hear. "And by the way I'm cool with the hell-mouth sitch," she said, "It's the Cleveland factor that's bugging me."  
"Well, if in a month or two you're looking for a change of location you can always murder someone again," Xander said.  
"Xander, don't encourage her," Willow berated, scowling.  
"We should get the coven on task tracking down new slayers as soon as possible," Buffy said. "And we can send the newbies we have to other demon hotspots around the world."  
"And they can be the feelers of our grand syndicate, all reporting back to us- Central Command," Andrew said grandly.  
There was a pause as everyone turned around to look at him.  
"That was practically coherent," he mumbled defensively.  
"Knew you couldn't stay quiet for long," Xander said, before wincing.  
"All those witty lines interspersed with motion sickness cannot be good for you, Xand," Buffy said gravely. "But let's run with that. Where's Central Command going to be based?"  
"Maybe LA?" Willow suggested.  
"No!" Buffy said quickly. She looked down at her hands. "Actually… uh…"  
"I was thinking Europe," Dawn piped up from next to Andrew, coming to Buffy's rescue.  
"Oh yes?" Giles said, turning back to look at them. "And why's that?"  
The bus swerved dangerously, jolting them all and sending one of the new slayers at the back tumbling into the isle.  
"Watch the road, Watcher," Kennedy said, rubbing her head where it had collided with the window.  
"Yes… uh…Sorry," Giles said in his sincere, fumbling way.  
"Well," Dawn started. "I…I was thinking Europe because I've never been before." She ducked her head self-consciously. "I realize as I spent the first fourteen years of my life as a magical key I've never actually been anywhere… but….."  
" I agree," Buffy said, crossing her arms, a gesture which worked much better when she was standing up. "Not to sound all self-involvy, but this thing with the first… it's all been too much. I need to get away from…" she made an all-encompassing gesture. "I still want to slay, but… somewhere else."  
"That seems fair," Giles said.  
Buffy looked at Willow. "Will, you'd be surrounded by witches and you could apply to a college that's, you know, actually good."  
For a moment Willow's eyes glinted with thirst-for-knowledge, then she anxiously turned to Kennedy.  
"What do you think?" she said.  
"Where you go, I go," Kennedy said lightly. "Should have picked that one up by now."  
Buffy turned to Xander.  
"Xand?"  
"Preaching to the converted," he said groggily, and she grinned.  
"Giles… TURNOFF… for the airport!" Faith barked suddenly.  
Giles, narrowly avoiding overshooting their exit, swung the bus around wildly.  
The tires screeched, and the whole bus rocked before it righted itself on its new route.  
"Everyone alright back there?" Giles asked.  
The only response he got was a choking noise from Xander.  
Buffy got the sneaking suspicion that her mentor was enjoying this.  
"You do know, Europe's an exceedingly big place?" he said as they drove on. "Do you have anywhere specific in mind?"

He started to turn. "Eyes on the road!" his passengers chorused pre-emptively.

* * *

_A.N.  
Had fun in this chapter with my busload of Scoobies.  
The bit with Gile's antics behind the wheel for some reason reminded me of  
"Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead…" _

_And Buffy got funny when LA (city of la angel) was mentioned. Wonder where I'm going with that_

_So, thanks for reading, and if you feel like it, review :)_  
_What are people's opinions on Faith? I personally do not like her. At all. But I tried not to make her into an evil hag-bitch in my fic all the same._


	3. Good Luck

**GOOD LUCK**

_The start of this chapter is just a short scene I'd like you guys to imagine in film format. Pretty much Xander, Willow, Dawn and Buffy are in different places tracking down slayer rookies, and the story passes between them. :)_

* * *

**_5 weeks later, London._**

*X*

Xander knocked on a blue front door.  
It was opened by a girl of about nineteen.  
"Hi there," he said, with the air of someone taking a survey. "It may have come to your attention that you have recently developed super powers…"

*W*

Willow led a girl with braided hair through a graveyard.  
"You'll have to go on nightly patrols," she said. "Ridding the town of nasties."  
"Nasties?" the girl inquired, raising an eyebrow.  
Willow shrugged. "Demons and vampires, mainly."  
A clawing hand pushed through the surface of a fresh grave.  
"Speaking of which…" Willow said, as the girl whirled around.

*D*

"Stab! Use the stake! Through the heart!" Dawn squealed down at a skinny woman as she clung to the back of a massive vampire.  
The woman hesitated and then sprang forward, driving her stake through the vampire's chest, and sending Dawn falling through mid-air onto the ground.

*X*  
"Right then," Xander said, clambering to his feet, and wiping vampire dust off his clothes. "If-

*W*  
"-anything happens," Willow said gravely. "Anything too-"

*D*  
"-big for you to deal with, give us a call." Dawn handed the skinny woman a business card.

*B*  
Buffy presented a small blond girl with a cross and a bottle of holy water.

"Good luck," she said.

* * *

Half an hour after Buffy had watched the new slayer disappear into the darkness, Willow's small silver car pulled up outside of the cemetery.

"Hey Will," Buffy said as she climbed in the passenger side. "Everything go OK tonight?"

"Yeah," Willow said, as she pulled out onto the road. "My job was easy-peasy. The girl was very matter-of-fact about the whole thing."  
She paused.  
"Reminded me a bit of Anya, actually."  
"Now that's a scary thought." Buffy allowed herself to dwell for a moment on the mostly-ex-vengeance demon she had never really liked, but missed all the same.  
"And Xander _still_ hasn't successfully asked out a slayerette," Willow continued gleefully.  
"Oh, you guys have a bet on, right?" Buffy remembered.  
Willow nodded cheerfully.  
"Twenty d…twenty _pounds_ says that the next girl he dates will be a demon."  
Buffy shook her head.  
"He's so going to lose."  
"I know," Willow said smugly. "He was heading to pick Dawn up when he called," she added as an afterthought.  
"Dawn checked in with me- said her slayer had to take out a 'vampire that looked like the hulk'," Buffy said.  
Willow looked interested.  
"Was it green and everything?"  
"I think Dawn just meant the size, Will."  
"But…what about the purple shorts?"  
Buffy's expression turned contemplative.  
"I didn't ask her about that."  
Dawn had been a lot happier since they had left Sunnydale. When she and Dawn had first suggested relocating the Scoobies to Europe, they hadn't had cold, wet, urban London in mind. However, when the lack of a language barrier and the proximity to Willow's coven made it clear that England was the most logical choice, Dawn had taken to life in London without complaint, attending school and helping with these slayer-finding missions whenever she could. Buffy was relieved to see that her sister seemed to have sorted out her moods and her behaviour.  
Meanwhile, inside Willow's trusty but affordable car, all was silent. Buffy saw that Willow was gnawing her lip, obviously debating whether or not to bring something up.  
Finally, she came to a decision and opened her mouth.  
"Hey Buffy?"  
"Yeah?" said Buffy, slightly amused.  
"Are you working tomorrow?"  
Buffy pulled an involuntarily face. She had a job as a waitress that at times reminded her almost eerily of the summer she'd spent as Anne.  
"Only for a few hours in the morning."  
"Would you…" she hesitated. "Would you be able to... not go?"  
"I guess I could take the afternoon shift instead..." Buffy looked at her friend searchingly. "Why? What's tomorrow morning?"  
"There's a Romani witch rumoured to be in town. It's a few-hour-only affair and I only heard about it today, but I want to meet her."  
"And you need me because?"  
"Well, I'd like you to come along."  
Buffy considered.  
"Sure, Will. If you need me, I'm there."


	4. Reading

**READING**

Buffy was feeling slightly less charitable when Willow half-dragged her out of bed at six the next morning. After showering and dressing in a daze, she made to get in Willow's car, but the witch stopped her.  
"We're walking," Willow said apologetically. "Finding her's going to be an in-tune with the magic all around us kind of deal."  
They started walking down the street, Willow holding her hands out a little in front of her, looking like a half-hearted zombie. Buffy had lived through so many weird and awkward circumstances during her time as the Slayer that she barely stopped to wonder what all the people driving by must have thought. _Barely_.  
"So, why exactly do you need me along?" Buffy asked conversationally.  
Willow shrugged.  
"For your Slayer skills. And, you know, for the company," she added, slightly shyly.  
Buffy raised an eyebrow.  
"Since when did Kennedy stop qualifying as both a Slayer and company?"  
Willow adopted a breezy, dismissive tone that didn't fool Buffy for a second.  
"Well, you know, she's busy."  
They had agreed to have two people on call at any given time, ready to drop everything should any Slayer call with a plea for help- for the last few days the job had fallen to Kennedy and Giles. Willow's excuse stood up, but at the same time, Buffy was sure something else was going on.  
"Hey! I think I've found it!" Willow exclaimed suddenly, coming to stop in the middle of the pavement, and staring transfixed at a very normal-looking patch of air.  
Buffy looked doubtful.  
"Is this going to be like the lair of that creepy magic-dealer guy?"  
Willow nose scrunched up in distaste.  
"Rack? Well, kind of, except the place we're headed has multiple openings all over London."  
"Well, it was nice of her to make the place accessible," Buffy quipped, before turning serious. "What do we have to do to get through?"  
"Just close your eyes, and step forward."

* * *

Buffy quickly opened her eyes, taking in her new surroundings. They appeared to be inside a large, poorly lit tent, made of a thick red material. The tent was well-furnished, and all of the surfaces were cluttered with drawings of magical insignia. Various mobiles and amulets hung from the ceiling, and Buffy was amused to see a crystal ball perched on-top of a towering pile of paper.

"Will…I get the feeling this lady's going to be one great big nod to whoever it was who came up with stereotypes," Buffy said to her friend, who was squatting down, examining a cauldron full of pale pink liquid.

"I'm sorry if I do not meet up to your lofty expectations, Slayer," came a scratchy voice from the shadowy corners of the tent.  
Buffy jumped, and Willow hastily scrambled to her feet.

A figure stepped from the shadows- an old woman with a great hooked nose, cunning black eyes and hair that hung like wet seaweed.

"It, it's not that you don't rise to my expectations," Buffy said weakly. "You, uh, you rise a little _too _well, if anything."

The witch raised a hairy eyebrow.

Buffy continued. "The look you're going for there, it's tried and tested, _but_ also impressive. Like the Slayer thing. I mean, it's slightly less awe inspiring than it would have been two months ago before we started multiplying like rabbits, but still, impressive."  
"Buffy," Willow said. The words were a warning, and her tone was nervous.  
"I'll just stop… talking…. now-this is Willow, she's the one who wants to talk to you. Not that I don't want to talk to you…" she trailed off, thinking that she might have just set a personal best in terms of babbling sprees. Hell, she sounded like Xander.

The gypsy woman barely batted an eye in Willow's direction- she kept her eyes trained on Buffy.  
"Slayer, I sense a great sadness in you… you have lost something dear to you."  
"Everyone's lost something," Buffy said evenly.  
"Hmm…" the gypsy woman crossed the room, and sat down behind the table in its centre in a chair that looked like a throne. "Have a seat," she said, gesturing to the stools on the other side of the table. Buffy looked to Willow, who gave a small nod, and the two of them sat down.

"Give me your hands, Slayer."  
This time Buffy did not hesitate- she placed her hands on the table-top, palm-up.  
The Romani witch bent her head, studying them.  
"I know where you've come from, Slayer. A place of great suffering."  
"Aka Sunnydale California," Buffy said in agreement.  
The witch traced a line on Buffy's hand with her fingernail, and Buffy fought the urge to shiver.  
"You overcame one great evil without destroying it."  
"The First," Willow supplied.  
"And obliterated another evil entirely."  
"The Hellmouth," Buffy said. She could feel her mouth growing dry. Despite her joking before, something about this witch was giving her the wiggins.

"And now, now you must plunge ahead and forge a new life for yourself and your friends, without even the benefit of closure. These past few weeks you've been smothering the darkness, containing it, denying it, for the sake of moving on."  
Buffy fidgeted slightly in her seat as she felt Willow's eyes on her.  
"I have," she admitted softly. "Am I right to do it?"  
"You do need to strike the balance between darkness and light, Slayer. But it is not time to move on, not just yet."  
"What!" Buffy sat forward in her seat. "What does that mean?"  
"They have something of yours," the gypsy said simply.  
She released Buffy's hands, and her eyes met Buffy's once more.  
"That is all I can tell you."  
"They have something of mine!" Buffy exclaimed. "What do they have? And who's they?"  
"These are answers I cannot give," the gypsy said.

There was a pause in which Buffy seriously considered lunging across the table and forcing the old woman to speak. In the end she decided against it- she wasn't supposed to use her powers on humans, after all, and she doubted the gypsy could tell her any more than she had already.  
"Right then," Willow said awkwardly. "We'll just be going."  
"Wait!" the witch said. "My payment!"  
"Payment?" Willow repeated, looking uncomfortable.  
"For my reading," the witch clarified.  
"I… I have money," Willow said, but the witch waved the offer aside before she'd even finished making it.

"There is only one thing I want, and I do not even desire to keep it, only to look."  
"Yeah... what is it?" Willow asked.  
"What the Slayer keeps in her pocket."  
Willow looked to Buffy.  
Buffy rummaged around in her left pocket and pulled out a gum wrapper and a two silver coins. She looked at the witch hopefully.  
"Your right pocket," the witch said wearily.  
_It was never going to be that easy._  
She slid a hand into her other pocket, and felt her fingers touch something smooth and cool. With a sigh, she produced Spike's silver lighter, holding it out for the witch to see.  
She saw the comprehension and the pity in Willow's eyes, as she slipped the lighter back in her pocket.  
"Happy now?" she demanded.  
"Exceedingly so," the gypsy witch said, and she looked it.


	5. Leaving

**LEAVING**

"So what's her deal?" Buffy asked, as they were deposited back on the sidewalk a few streets away from their house.  
The pair started to walk home.  
"Her deal is information," Willow said, jamming her hands in her pockets to counter the cold. It was still early morning. "She discovers it, collects it, trades it in for more. And she also, you know, does the fortune-telly thing."  
"What she said… do you reckon it was worth listening to? I mean, speaking from personal experience here, prophecies aren't exactly super reliable."  
"What she told you wasn't really prophecy, Buffy," Willow said seriously. "It was more of a statement of the facts. And Esmerelda's the best at what she does."  
"She's called Esm-" Buffy started, before forcibly stopping herself. "I mean you think she's right? You think someone _does_ have something of mine?"  
"I think there's likely to be some meaning behind her words," Willow said carefully.

Buffy realized suddenly that her friend was upset.  
"What's wrong, Willow?"  
"I thought things were better, Buffy."  
The past few weeks she had been more like her old self- the Buffy who had died when her mother died- more cheerful, more motivated, but less responsible. In some ways thing _were _better- she wasn't stuck in a spiral of self-loathing, or overwhelmed by apathy. But she wasn't quite OK, either.  
"They are," she said slowly. "Sort of."  
"Buffy… I don't get it. You've been doing so well." Willow's voice was sad.  
"I've been coping better than I have before… practise I guess, and I owe it to so many people to live, but, the pain, it's still there, and my head is spinning… and… _I have to go back_." She spoke these last words as though they were a new realization, but also a certainty.  
"Back… to the tent?" Willow said hesitantly. "Buffy, that tent isn't a stay-in-one-place sort of deal. It's probably half-way across Wales by now-"  
"I don't mean the tent," Buffy interrupted. " I mean Sunnydale."  
"But…" Willow floundered. "Why? You saw it, Buffy, it's a crater in the ground. There isn't anything left."  
But Buffy's mind was set.  
"Everything I lost I lost there, Will. It's the best place to start."  
By this point they had reached the house that they shared with Dawn. As they walked up the garden path, Willow turned to Buffy.  
"When do we leave?" she asked.  
Buffy looked at her friend gratefully.  
"As soon as possible…tonight?"  
"Don't think I have any other plans," Willow said lightly. "So, we'll tell everyone that we're…"  
"Going after another slayer," Buffy said firmly, turning her keys in the front door. "There's no need to worry them."  
"Hopefully there's no need _for _them to worry," Willow said under her breath as she followed Buffy inside.

* * *

Buffy slammed her fist into the punch-bag as hard as she could, almost sending it flying across the room. She lost herself in the violence, delivering shattering punch after shattering punch, letting her mind go empty…  
"Whoah, Buff," Xander said from the doorway. "What did the inanimate bag of sand ever do to you?"  
Buffy caught the punch-bag and stilled it, before glaring at Xander.  
Giles, who had been observing Buffy's training from the corner, frowned.  
"As much as I do not appreciate the interruption to your concentration, Xander does have a point. You do seem a little disgruntled."  
"I'm sorry for not being mellow in my punchings," Buffy said, undoing her hair and shaking it out around her face.  
Giles was unwilling to let the subject drop.  
"Has this perhaps got anything to do with your mission with Willow tonight?"  
"No!" Buffy said guiltily.  
Xander and Giles both looked at her sceptically.  
"Well… a little bit," she improvised. "I'm just…concerned about the way we're treating the new slayers."  
This wasn't entirely a lie- the matter had been weighing on her mind-though it wasn't the only thing.  
"I mean," she continued. "Finding out you're the Slayer- it's not easy- sacrificing a normal life for all the… supernatural insanity. I went through some tough times…" (Xander smiled slightly at her understatement) "But at least I was going through it as an individual- I was the Chosen One, not an anonymous part of the Chosen Many."  
Xander looked thoughtful.  
"You know, I kind of get that. When you went from Cheerleader to Apocalypse Averter you had…"  
"A truck-load of support, and even then it was hard. I don't know what more we could be doing, but it doesn't feel like we're doing enough."  
Giles took off his glasses, and wiped them slowly on his shirt.  
"I agree, Buffy. We'll have to look into some possible solutions."  
"Possible solutions to what?" said Dawn, by way of announcing her presence, as she skipped into the room. She had spent the morning studying in the library- a book-bag dangled from her shoulder, and there was a pencil tucked behind her ear. What with all the chaos of the past few years, Buffy had forgotten how much her sister actually liked learning.  
"Our too many Slayers, too little time problem," Xander told her.  
Giles replaced his glasses.  
"Well, I… I suppose you could always talk to Angel about it- he's included a few new Slayers on his team."  
"Yeah, give dead boy a call," Xander said with mock-enthusiasm.  
"I uh," Buffy looked down at her hands. "I guess I _could_ call him."  
"Buffy," Dawn said suddenly. "Can I talk to you for a moment?"  
Buffy frowned.  
"Sure."  
Sharing a mystified glance with Xander, Buffy followed Dawn out of the small training room and into the kitchen, closing the door behind her.

Once they were alone, Dawn turned to look at her sister, but did not speak.  
Buffy shifted slightly, feeling uncomfortable under Dawn's intense and somewhat quizzical-looking stare.  
"Uh… Dawn, did you need help with anything?"  
"No," Dawn said unabashedly. "I was just wondering why you keep pulling a face every time someone mentions Angel."  
Buffy crossed her arms over her chest, thoroughly in big sister mode.  
"I do not pull a face," she said, in her best reasonable voice.  
"You've got it now!" Dawn said triumphantly. Buffy felt something close to panic. She wasn't pulling a face… was she?  
"Well, maybe I do have a face, but I have lots of faces… well, technically only one… it doesn't mean anything!" she finished, cutting through her own babbling.  
"You haven't seen him after Sunnydale… " Dawn said, "and you didn't even talk to him on the phone when Giles let him know how things went."  
"I was asleep."  
"You were faking."  
Buffy sighed. When it came to Dawn, sometimes resistance was futile. She took a moment to collect her thoughts.  
"Ever since he left… ever since he went to LA we've been pulling in different directions. He's different, God knows, I'm different… I don't know if things would work out if we tried again."  
"Buffy," Dawn said earnestly. "No one was suggesting you and Angel get back together…can't you just, you know, be friends?"  
Buffy smiled sadly. "We can never be friends, Dawnie. It doesn't work that way. It's all, or barely anything at all." There was a pause. "I will always love him," she said. "I treasured our time together, and when he came back for a few minutes there everything felt so right…"  
Dawn was looking at her wide-eyed. Buffy realized that she had quite possibly never been this open with her sister before.  
She swallowed. "I told him he'd have to wait until I was ready, but I don't think things can ever go back to the way they used to be. I'm not even sure I want them to…"  
She trailed off, but not before Dawn's eyes flashed with understanding.  
"Because of Spike," she said.  
Buffy nodded, missing the hard edge that had crept into Dawn's voice.  
"Sometimes I think, _no_, _Buffy_, this is something you have to be logical about. It's about you… not anyone else. But after everything he did for me… the least I can do is not skip off into the sunset with someone else."  
"You know," Dawn said bracingly. "He did try to hur- to rape you…"  
Buffy looked at her blankly.  
"I was just wondering if you could be persuaded to re-think the undying loyalty thing," Dawn muttered, then winced at her choice of words.  
Buffy looked at the clock over Dawn's shoulder.  
"I have to get to work," she said.

Upstairs, as she pulled on her gaudy waitress outfit, Buffy let her eyes linger on the packed suitcase sitting on her bed.

One more shift, she thought. Three more hours of waiting tables, and then she would be on her way back to Sunnydale.

* * *

_A.N. I thought Buffy needed to process her feelings regarding Angel, because Chosen left things pretty open.  
And I couldn't think of a gyspy name but then I remembered the girl from Hunchback of Notre Dame. The Disney version, of course. Buffy Willow and Tara have a meaning-laden conversation about it in Crush so I feel like there is some degree of relevancy. Somewhere...  
And it's important that Buffy is finally opening up to the people in her life- this is a step in the dough-to-cookie journey. :)_


	6. Words

**WORDS**

SUNNYDALE, CALIFORNIA.

There had been a time, Buffy remembered, when she was good with words. That is to say, she had still murdered the English language, but the words had bubbled out of her. She always had opinions, complaints (boy was she big with the complaining back then) and jokes. She had been chirpy, _funny_, operating on more than just the pun-per-kill quota she stuck to these days.

But then had come dying, losing Angel, fighting Angelus, losing Angel _again_, 'killing Faith' and then losing Angel one final time for good measure.

And somewhere along the line the words had left her.

Or maybe it had nothing to do with any of that. Maybe it was the pressing weight of all the lives that relied on, and revolved around her, making her older, harder, colder.

Either way, somewhere along the line Buffy had become so far removed that she had feelings she couldn't put into words, even when she wanted to.

Buffy stood beside her best friend, staring at the place where Sunnydale used to be, the final resting ground of the only person, at the end of days, who had heard her words and understood.

* * *

The rental car was parked a good twenty feet from the edge of the Sunnypit.  
Buffy rifled through its boot, which was filled with (also rented) abseiling equipment- namely harnesses and an astronomical amount of rope.

She moved about setting up the equipment, praying she hadn't forgotten anything life-saving.

"Right Will," she said, as she all-but-melded the rope onto a handy outcrop of rock by the cliff-edge. "I want you to watch these knots, OK? Make sure they stay secure."

"Buffy…" Willow started.  
Buffy mentally braced herself, knowing what her friend was about to say. Willow had at first been supportive of Buffy's idea to go down and get a closer look at things.  
But now as they stood at the crater's edge it was glaringly obvious that there was nothing down there, nothing to look _at_- nothing but churned earth and the occasional wrecked structure that had somehow escaped total destruction.  
Buffy waited for Willow to tell her that her mission was futile.

But instead her friend said, "Buffy, I want go with you."  
Buffy's eyes widened in surprise.  
"Not sure if that's the best idea, Will," she said.  
"We have two harnesses," Willow pointed out.  
"Yeah… but….I might need that harness… as a reserve harness…in case anything happens to my first… harness."  
Willow didn't even grace that comment with a response.  
"Being a slayer doesn't give you special abseiling skills, does it?" she said.  
"Well, not specifically…" Buffy admitted.  
"Then this is no more dangerous for me than it is for you."  
Willow was dangerously close to 'resolve face', then her features softened.  
"Buffy, this is where Tara was buried. Even… even if she isn't there anymore, I still have to go down there. I can't be this close and…_not_." Willow wasn't teary, but her voice was high-pitched and earnest.  
"Fine," Buffy conceded grumpily.  
As she finished readying the equipment, she gave Willow a quick debriefing on how to abseil. She figured Willow was a brain and probably knew all this already, but she _also_ figured their friendship had endured enough death-by-falling-from-great-heights, to be taking any risks. Even if it hadn't, strictly speaking, been the fall that killed her.  
Once she had double-checked that everything was secure, Buffy walked to the cliff-edge and tossed the coil of rope over the edge. She was relieved to see that it reached the bottom of the pit.  
"I still wish you were guarding the top," Buffy said to Willow.  
"Oh, if it comes to it, I'm pretty sure I can magically save our asses before we plummet to our doom," Willow said breezily. "In an entirely responsible way," she added.  
"Good… that's... good."  
Nerves were starting to roll around in Buffy's stomach, heightened when she looked down at the staggering drop before her.  
"All that stuff in movies with two guys abseiling on the same rope? Doesn't happen. Wait til I'm at the bottom and assuming I'm not all splatty, pull the gear back up and follow," she instructed Willow.  
She turned her back on the crater, standing with her toes clinging to the edge of the cliff.  
"Be careful," Willow said solemnly.  
"You too," Buffy said.  
And then she let herself fall backwards, into nothing.

* * *

_A.N. Happy late New Year!_

_ This is an itty bitty chapter. Still, I got to character-analyze Buffy some more, which is always fun. Thanks for reading and a major-big thanks to everyone whose reviewed so far :) (that smiley face was for you)_


	7. Grave

**GRAVE**

The crater looked even larger when you were inside it.

The earth where Buffy and Willow stood was cast in a shadow so long and thick it was almost like night-time.

"It's so empty," Buffy said. "I know this got explained away as shifting tectonic plates, or whatever, but tectonic plates eating a small town has still got to be a big deal."  
Willow smiled.  
"I think the authorities everywhere are just relieved this place is gone. Time to turn a blind eye and let sleeping dogs lie. Ooh, that rhymed."

They stood there for a few moments more, each unwilling to make a move.

"We should probably split up?" Willow suggested. "That way we have more of a chance of finding what we're looking for."

Buffy agreed. This made perfect sense, especially since they were looking for different things.

She touched Willow's arm as her friend set off into the shadows, and Willow gave her a tentative smile in return before walking out of sight.

Willow's presence had served as a balm- without her, the location seemed to turn eery. The towering walls around Buffy suddenly felt oppressive. She wondered suddenly just how stable they were. What if they collapsed?  
She imagined clods of brown earth raining down on her, knocking her down, smothering her, burying her. The memory of being trapped in her own grave hit her, so hard she almost doubled over.  
She was alone…. So alone…

"Snap out of it, Buffy," she said loudly, and the sound of her voice spurred her back into reality. Now was not a time to fight (mostly) conquered demons. She had a purpose here, a job to do.  
She had to find what she had lost.

"Walk, Buffy," she ordered herself.

The ground beneath her felt uneven, the soil soft in some parts, hard as rock in others. But she didn't let this hinder her progress, as she headed to the epicentre of the Hellmouth.

She had been walking for a long while, and was beginning to appreciate why people in Sunnydale had used cars when she felt it, a stirring in her gut, the residue of dark powers, and knew that she was standing where the Hellmouth used to be.

Aside from the feeling in her gut (her viscera), there was nothing distinctive about this place- it was all mounds of dirt, and the occasional clump of concrete or plaster if you were lucky. She quickly scanned the area. Even the seal was gone. There was nothing there.

Nothing at all.

Buffy took a deep, gasping breath.

She felt like she'd been punched, only that was a weak analogy, because she got punched every day and it didn't make her feel like this. She wasn't sure exactly what she'd been hoping to find… no, that was a lie. She had been hoping for a miracle. She had been hoping for Spike, and now that hope had been taken away from her.

There was no one to see her. Buffy let herself lie down on the cool brown earth and close her eyes.

* * *

Willow trudged back in what she hoped was the general direction of Buffy, feeling defeated.

She had wandered around for what felt like hours, and had no idea whether or not she had come close to the place Tara was buried. And it didn't matter. Tara's body wasn't even here anymore, let alone her essence.

Willow saw something white up ahead, standing out from the brown tones all around it. It was Buffy, or more accurately Buffy's jacket. It looked like her friend's search had been as fruitless as her own. Buffy was curled up on the ground, head resting in the crook of one arm, fast asleep.

Willow headed over to her friend.  
"You know Buffy, there are more comfortable places to nap, like the car, or-"  
She froze.

Another figure, previously hidden from view, was lying less than a foot away from Buffy. And unless she was very wrong, it looked rather a lot like Spike.

* * *

"Spike?" Willow said, loudly, foolishly.

The figure on the ground jerked awake, and lurched upright.

And, oh Goddess, did it look exactly like Spike- from the ridiculous coat to the ridiculous hair to the ridiculously sharp cheekbones.

Spike looked at her, but she wasn't sure if he actually _saw_ her; his eyes were darting back and forth as he tried to make sense of his surroundings. He looked lost, confused, panicked.  
"Spike," she said again, starting toward him.  
She didn't know what to say next, but was spared from having to work that out; as she approached, Spike bolted.

Willow was about to give chase when her eyes fell to Buffy, still asleep on the dirty ground.

She knelt down beside her, and shook her arm.

Buffy opened her eyes.  
"Will...did I fall asleep, I didn't mean to...s'everything okay?"  
"Spike," Willow blurted out.  
"What?" Buffy said, instantly awake.  
"I saw him. Buffy, I think I saw him."  
Buffy climbed to her feet, and Willow rose with her.  
"He went... that way," she continued, pointing. "I was going to follow but I had to-"  
Willow trailed off. There was no point finishing. Buffy had already taken off running.

* * *

Buffy ran through Sunnydale at slayer-speed.  
"Spike!" she called. "SPIKE?"

There was no reply, and no sign of him.

She came to a stop, panting, and running her fingers through her hair as she scoured the wreckage ahead of her.  
God, where was he? Had Willow been seeing things? Was it a trick? Was he even here?

"Buffy," came a soft voice from behind her. His voice.  
Very slowly, Buffy turned around.  
It was him, from his bleached hair down to his scuffed boots. He had the same look on his face that he often had when he looked at her; gentle, awestruck, as though she was the miracle here, not the other way around.

She started to run toward him, and then stopped herself.

This was impossible. Whatever this was, it might look like Spike, it might sound like him, even act like him, but it couldn't be him. Because Spike was clearly, completely and irrevocably dead.

Was it the First? Somehow back to inflict one more torture?

Warily, she took a step toward him, and then another. He mirrored her movements.

She raised a shaking hand, and slowly brought it to his cheek.

"You're real," she said softly.  
"Sure seems that way, pet," Spike said.  
"You're real," she said again, closing the last of the distance between them and wrapping her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder.

* * *

_A/N: __A massive thanks to everybody who has read and/or reviewed. Massive. Thanks. MASSIVE._

_Nice reviews cause smiling and general happiness in this writer. :D (smiles. like that)_

_ Of course, bad reviews will have me curled up in a snivelling ball of despair, but anyway... _


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